Yesterday was kind of a turning point. I am a mess. A stuck-in-my-head, crazy little mess.
Day to day life is difficult right now. I'm worried - all the time. I'm scared of bad things happening - all the time. I fear everything - all the time. I'm not who or where I want to be.
Post partum nuttiness? Most likely. Anxiety? Like nobody's business. Hypothyroid? That was the easy one. And I bet there's other categories I could place my crazy, too. Like everything, it's a mix of a lot of things...
A couple months ago my hard drive died. I stifled the panic attack I felt on the inside, and researched who to send it to. I found someone I thought would be good and gave them eleven years worth of photos. Months later, they gave me back, maybe one thousand pictures. I stifled another panic attack and called them back. They said they could try for more - but it would be a couple more months. I'm not quite sure what to do now...
The panic. The worry. The fear. It's hit me a million times before - but yesterday I was finally tired of it. I need to be the person I want to be. I need to.
And that person writes. She records. She treasures the little moments everyday.
I'm working through the nuttiness and anxiety. Trying, at least. And I'm waiting on the thyroid medication to start really working. (Planning on that being all sorts of awesome.) But writing is something I can do TODAY.. to start channeling my inner normal. A couple weeks ago, the only reason I was able to stifle those lovely feelings of panic, was because of this blog. I knew I had this record, at the very least.
So, as of today - I'm coming back. I'm probably going to have to do more reasearch about those photos. And maybe see a shrink about the fear. But this is a starting point. Happy Monday!
(Reesie is a thumbsucker. I love it.)
I love glimpses of real life from people I know and love. Seeing behind the scenes of perfect appearances. Not that your beautiful family isn't all it appears. But none of us are perfect or have perfect lives and seeing bits of other people's struggles gives me courage and hope and happiness to know we are all just plugging along and doing our best! I'm so sorry about your hard drive! I hope they can find more pictures for you. Hooray for pictures on blogs and Instagram! Your family is so lovely and that new baby girl is delightful! (Also, at the risk of embarrassing myself I noticed you aren't following me on Instagram anymore. Which is totally fine! I try to keep my Instagram followers/who I'm following at a small number so it's not a big time waster. And I do post a lot so it probably gets old to some folks! Anyway, just wanted to add I hope I didn't offend you or anything!)
ReplyDeleteYou are soooo sweet! Thanks for your comment. I swear, the more real we are, the more we realize everyone else is real too. Sometimes when Mems grabs my phone - and out of interest in the pictures, she ends up doing something else! I'll fix that right now! I was catching up on your blog the other day too... It'll be fun to catch up on insta! Thanks for saying something!
DeleteI love you so much. I wish I would've seen this post a month ago having had my own lovely dose of nuttiness, crumbling, anxiety, who-the-heck-is-this-woman-in-the-mirror-iris (and I don't mean aging, I mean complete disconnect) on and off over the last several years. I'm glad you are taking steps toward healing and that God has given you such amazing talents that not only save you, but save all the rest of us as well. Love you love you. And I'm only a text away.
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